I'm a legal adult in my state and country (can't drink yet, so I just chug root beer) and am currently attending college while living at home. My mother happened to indirectly find out that I'm an atheist and hate Christianity, and, uh, she isn't happy.
Unlike my father, who's rationally asked me to present a list of things I consider contradictory to the idea of a personal, loving god, my mother has flown into several fits and has demanded that I present her with the books and websites that ';brainwashed'; me into an atheistic mindset. Once I produced the ';guilty parties';, she cried and told me I was misguided, stupid, too young to make a choice, and that once I die, I will, quote, ';Split Hell wide open';. Since I rely on her for transportation (we're fairly poor and besides tutoring, I have little money for a car), she's threatened to stop letting me go to the local community college.
It's been a week since I've been ';outed';, and things are only getting worse. My question to everyone is, what should I do? Should I continue considering the evidence (or lack thereof) for and against various beliefs, or should I give in and pretend to believe in god?
(Note: I'm being quite serious, so please help.)Advice for an atheist child of Christian parents?
So, you came to the conclusion to be an atheist in a week, right? I mean, since you obviously didn't take any time to consider it or take it into your life, you don't expect them to take any time to consider it and begin to accept it, so it must be you didn't take any time... or is it maybe that you have unrealistic expectations on your parents?
First, get over your prejudice of hating Christianity. It's a prejudice and it's putting more walls up and that's one thing YOU can control. Your own prejudices. You don't have to believe it. You don't have to agree with it. You don't have to like it. But if you flat out hate it, then you're closing doors and then acting surprised when your parents can't communicate with you.
Second, explain to your mother the most gentle version of Agnostic Atheism. Which is that you do not deny there is a God, but do not believe there is enough proof to definitely say there is one. In other words, keep the glimmer of hope open for her. Tell her that your belief or disbelief in God is part of your spiritual journey, and that she is WELCOME to share her beliefs with you but that you have to go on your own pace.
Third, compromise. Tell her that as long as you live in her house, you will abide by her rules. That as long as you are going to college, you will read whatever books she wants you to read. But that if she can't drive you to college anymore, you'll try to find a way there on the bus, and she'll miss out on that opportunity to try and explain her beliefs to you more.
Fourth, go to your dad. Tell him your fears of not being able to continue in college. In that list of ';why I don't believe'; include that you're watching your mother since she professes to believe in God, and that her cutting all support for you would prove that God does not love, or at the least that God's followers don't love like they should. Give him time to work quietly behind the scenes.
Fifth, if your mom starts confronting you or drawing you in a fight, refuse to fight. leave the room. Go for a walk. Go study. Whatever. But don't engage in conversations that are just fights. You'll only cause more hurt and more troubles.
Honestly? I wish you luck, but I think you should back off so long as you live in their house. They pay your rent. Your food. The paper to wipe your backside. Even if you completely disagree, you owe them to follow their rules and beliefs while you are in their house. If it bothers you that much, move out. Drop from school and get a job and move out. I'll tell you, I don't agree with my MIL's beliefs, but when we go to visit we go to her church out of respect for her letting us stay there just for a few days.
Add: Hopefully you haven't thumbsdowned me yet, so you can see this bit of an add-on. There's a book called ';Getting to Yes: The Art of Negotiation.'; Watch youtubes and read everything you can about ';Confrontational Communication.'; You have to try and recognize when you can stand your ground and when you've got to readjust things so that you can win, while also striving to help HER win too. Compromising is easier, both lose a bit and win a bit (ie, you get the drive to school, she gets to see you're trying to understand her God.) But it's a short-term situation. The most important thing is to keep drawing circles that draws her in, because if you don't you're going to prove to her that atheists are unreasonable egotistical jerks... which you and I BOTH know isn't true. But you're going to have to prove that to her.
My point of view is you're not going to BE there in 3 years, more than likely. This is a very short period of your life. Use a compromise, or try to figure out how you both can win, and minimize the hurt feelings, walls, and anger if at all possible. Your mother and you sound alike, both convinced your own point of view is right. Don't permanently scar your relationship for a viewpoint.Advice for an atheist child of Christian parents?
That was sort of my point. I have friends who have come out to their parents, as wiccan, gay, bisexual, atheist, whatever... and expect instant acceptance without remembering it took them years to get to that point. You have to give your family time to adjust to it. :)
Report Abuse
I would suggest believing (or not believing) in what you want to. It's your life, and only you, not even your parent have control over that. You could tell your mother to stop nagging you and let you be you, but that's Your decision. Suggest following your own path and not conforming to what our parents want you to.
Your parents can't force religion down your throat. Your parent need to cut their losses and move on. They can't save everyone and I know that it hurts when you can't save your own child, but it is your choice and you have to pay the price!
God bless!
Dang. Your mom is a real book burner. That's horrible she would threaten to take you out of college because you don't believe the same thing as her. Just say you don't want to talk about it when she brings it up. You might have tried that though. Your mom is a real nut.
I guess I could understand why she would wig out so much though, since she thinks you're going to go to Hell for all eternity. That's some sad brainwashing.
stick to the status quo will give you the benefits and respect of your parents. (which i would do if you really needed them)
OR
you can stand by your belief, and don't let others put you down. but I do advise you to listen to your parents if they want to calmly talk to you about some things.
I consider religious people to be ';religiously insane';. To the extent that they exert power over you, it's best to humor them in their delusions. There is no point in being a ';martyr for atheism';. Do what you need to do to finish school, get out on your own, and then you'll be free.
Give in and pretend. They are too deluded to deal with otherwise. Once you're on your own, tell them whatever you belive and they will have to deal with it,
You say you are an adult - so get a job and get your own place and move out, - feed, shelter and clothe yourself - and don't feel sorry for yourself or anyone else.
don't give in man, stay true to atheism
tell her that jesus doesn't want anyone to believe in him by force or intimidation.
I've been in your shoes, or at least similar ones.
I ditched Christianity when I was 14, but my dad didn't find out until I was 20. I didn't let on for the longest time because I thought he'd react similar to your mum and kick me out of the house. I pretended to be Christian and everything for the longest time because I knew it was worth it to go to college. Once I graduated I would be financially secure and able to stand on my own. Right now I depend on my dad for my education. He payed for my future and in return I helped around the house and acted like his perfect little Christian daughter. It seemed like a fair trade for me.
Luckily things didn't blow up when he accidentally found out about my lack of Christianity. I'm sorry about your parents. I hope in time they'll come to accept your beliefs/opinions. For now things may be better in the long run to pretend to be Christian until you graduate.
Whichever choice you choose, good luck!
Wow- I can only imagine what it must be like. You are old enough to be living on your own. Can you get a job and go to school at the same time? If you are still at home and if you rely on your parents for transportation, well, you just have to grin and bare it. You are dependent on them and are living in their house. It may be time for you to be out on your own.
dear i have some questions for u
why dont u believe in god?
do u want to believe in him?
if its a cse that u want to believe in him PRAYER conqures all pray and im sure god will hepl
if u dont want to belieev there is nothing anyone can do to change ur mind.our mind is the strongest assest of the human body.only a miracle could help u in this case.
to reduce ur praents anger towards u and u are sure u dont want to believe just pretend
but my advise would be-believe in god hes d most high
Uh, wow.
I'm glad my parents are both atheists.
I wouldn't pretend to believe in God. You would never feel comfortable around your mother again. Just let her know that you're not able to change your mind, that being an atheist is just a part of who you are. Or heck, don't even talk about it again--if she brings it up, be clipped with her about it (in the typical ';I don't want to talk about it'; manner). I don't discuss religion unless necessary.
I would let them get over their delusion. It's painful at first, but eventually they will accept the fact that you chose your belief and that the bottom line is that you are their son.
Imagine how my dad's father was when I told him I was a Jew.
He wouldn't speak to me for 3 years because he's used to cracking *N* jokes off the back porch, and is racist as hell.
It took a lot for him to overcome his prejudice and accept family.
A sign of true strength is to ';stick to your guns';. Don't let others force you to believe something. But, still, you should also respect others' choice to follow what they believe. Your mother may never stop trying to convert you, but just remember, she does love you and is the only mother you have. I also hope you understand that there are Christians out there who aren't going to try to force you to believe in God or tell you you're doomed to go to Hell. Try to keep a relationship, however stained, with your mother. You'll regret it for the rest of your life if you lose that.
Okay, tell your mother the truth. Tell her that you don't understand it and with all of those science classes you've been taking, can't really believe it. You could also talk to your father who is being more civil about it. Tell him that you don't understand why a murderer and someone who cheats on a test go to the same heaven if they accept Jesus. Ask him if Moses got into heaven, even though he murdered an Egyptian. Ask him what the moral is of Onan's story. (He is sleeping with his dead brother's wife and decides to ejaculate on the ground instead of in her, so God killed him. Not because he was sleeping with her, but because he wouldn't impregnate her.)
well she is taking personal offense to it because you are her child and you state that you hate christianity. do you really hate the whole religion or just don't believe in it? maybe if you could show her that you respect her beliefs, even though you don't share them then she might warm up to accepting yours.
other than that if she doesn't want to accept your choices then you you'll have to just suck it up and take care of yourself and all your needs.. hopefully she will get over it.
Looking at the problem from a purely moral-ethical viewpoint, I would not give in. However, your mother's control over your transportation complicates the situation, as she controls something you need. In this case, although my instincts do not agree, I advocate you to not mention this and try to keep your mother's mind off the topic. If she insists on making you Christian, pretend to return to Christianity.
Although this may not be the most ethical decision, it may be the only practical decision.
I suggest you do as your father requests, and present to him a list of your thoughts. If you explain your concerns, you just might bring up ideas that he also has in his heart. You can discuss them together. Some people (like your mother) don't know how to respond to opposition because their faith feels threatened when questioned. Maybe, you're not truly an atheist, who is a nonbeliever, but an agnostic, who questions. Anyway, only you decide how you will live, and believe, and what is most important to you.
I'm sorry.
My parents are both Christian, but rather.. relaxed about religion and didn't mind (too much XD)
Remind them that it doesn't make you a bad person, and hmm, give it a little more time as well, some things like that can freak people out, but hopefully they will remember that they loved you before when they didn't know, and it's not like you changed..
:\
How did they find out?
Seriously, if you're mother is your only source of transportation, you might want to back off a little. Agree to go to church with her once and awhile. Say grace at meals. In the meantime, hook up with some fellow atheists (or even kindly disposed theists) at college and see if they are willing to provide transportation instead of your mother.
It's hard relying on people who disagree with you. Unfortunately, you are dependent on them, and they can sometimes set the rules for you. Seek outside help, like I said, and, in the meantime, lay low.
Sh*t. That's sounds awful.
My mom wasn't too happy when I told her either. To this day she still tells me that I'm going to hell and she is still praying for my soul. Just keep reminding her in a CALM manner, that it is your life, and taking you out of school will only hurt you in the long run. There is no easy fix for parents like that, they hold strict beliefs. It takes time.
If things don't calm down in a few months. Try your best to move out. Or pretend to believe in god for a while.
I'm sorry this is happening to you. It's disappointing when parents try to control the belief systems of their children and it's a hard task to try to stay strong in that situation.
I don't think you should pretend to believe in something you don't. That kind of thing can be so damaging to you.
This might sound a bit screwy -- but you MIGHT want to talk to your mother's clergyman. But ONLY do that if he's a reasonable person. He might be able to tell your mother that she can't and shouldn't force her believes onto another person. However, if you sense that he (or she) will make it worse, leave him out of the equation.
If your father is more reasonable, maybe you can ask him to intercede.
Ask your mother if she feels she is living up to her Christian standards when she tries to control and threaten you.
Or, just try to avoid the subject with her as much as you possibly can.
Not all problems do have resolutions, though. You may just be stuck with this until you can find a way to get out of the family home.
Continue being an athiest. There is nothing worse than pretending to be something you are not. The only reason your mother is mad is in my opinion because you failed to recover some things she knew to give to your kids. She wanted your kids to be christians because im guessing everyone in your family is christian? So your just the odd one out.
If your mom cant accept you for who you are then (i know you wont like to hear this) you should just ignore her and live your life without her in it.
';or should I give in and pretend to believe in god? ';
Put it to your mother this way, you don't beleive in God, and you're sorry that's what you believe, but it IS what you believe. And frankly, if God exists, he would probably be MORE upset with you lying to your parents and church, and forcing yourself to believe in him, rather than just following what your heart tells you.
Whatever you do, live a good life, be a good person, and IF there's a God at the end of everything and he'll still send you to hell, you probably would have gone there anyways believing in him or not.
This is very disturbing. I think you need to maybe present this a little better, but this is still hard because christians can be very close minded to anything that contradicts their belief.
If it is not possible to sway them on justifying your atheists beliefs maybe try swaying them on their own beliefs and morals. Such as ';hate the sin not the sinner'; and so on. Why should your education suffer because you believe something different to them? As parents wouldn't you want the best for me and my education?
And no I would never give in and say you believe, this is very very wrong and you have to stay strong
This happened to me, although my parents were not this bad about it. They forced me into daily bible studies and prayer, got my old preacher to talk to me and give me a book The Case for Christ, things like that. A while later, it died down. I guess she assumed I converted back to Christianity because she's always telling me about people she knows that have problems that I should pray about.
My advice is to apologize to them for upsetting them, tell them you've considered the facts and you've been reading the bible and you've come to the conclusion that you were wrong and you have re-accepted Jesus into your heart. Say something like that, but not too suddenly. Make it believeable. They're not likely to give in until they think you're a Christian, and it's no use risking your future over this. It'll blow over once they believe you've changed. Just be more careful what they know in the future.
I'm sorry for your situation and what your childhood was probably like.
Your parents are right, listen to them. God is real and does exist. you have been subjected to propaganda.
No comments:
Post a Comment